{This is read at your own risk as I am feeling a little unstable tonight.}
After school I went to Walmart and bought cold meds and paint. I paid for it at the self checkout with my debit card. Then I went to the coffee shop, ordered a lavendar latte, and paid with a gift certificate and a wad of one dollar bills. It was so incredibly normal. And before I walked out, I took another look at the brick wall and string lights and at my cousin sitting at the table and realized it would be several years before I had even a chance at seeing that place again. I came home and went to school to get paint brushes and it was dark and quiet and smelled so familiar and I knew where everything was without turning on the lights and I somehow came home without the paint brushes... Don't know where they are... And ate taquitos and had sherbert with sprite for my sore throat. And through the whole thing I sobbed till snot and tears were running down my face (part of it was the fact that I have a wretched cold). And I felt panicked at what I was leaving behind this week.
A part of me wants this all to be over. All the questions and hugs and "I'm so happy for you and I'll pray for you with all the 'changes'." With that certain searching look like you don't know if you should maybe feel a little bit sorry for me. And being asked an average of once a day if Haiti is safe. Sometimes I just want to laugh hysterically because of the range of questions... From "Will you cook on an open fire, live in a house with a grass roof, or have a bathroom" , to "Will you wear hose on your wedding and does Amazon deliver to Haiti?" And if you have asked me any of those questions don't feel bad because you weren't the only one. Don't get me wrong I love to talk about it... At any given moment it's what I'm thinking about so might as well. And sometimes I have as many questions as you do. It's not the questions that bother me, because you being interested makes me feel supported. It's the fact that you have to ask. Because a tiny part of me wants you to be asking what flowers am I having on the table or what's the menu for the Saturday night supper (BTW it's pizza. Over an open fire by yours truly. JK we'll keep it "modern" and use an oven lol.)
In conclusion, I'm not some saintly Katie Davis or a free spirit that thinks North America is for wimps... I'm just a girl that's pretty scared at times, but totally in love with the face and voice that talks to her on the phone at night and makes her feel like the most important person in his world. And because he's on a little island southeast of Florida, that's where I belong. Get thee behind me lavendar lattes and Amazon prime. Do I feel like I'm settling for "less than"? No! He's way out of my league as far as looks go, and also as far as faith and pure guts go he has most people I know beat. Do I wish I was marrying him here in the states? Not really. We've been thru that and to tell you the truth it made me just about mental to think of starting married life with a strong natured guy like him over here without a job and a driver's license while trying to get paperwork figured out. No, I'm all in. Just trying to overcome my nature to cling like a tick to the life I know. So if you are praying for me, instead of praying about my indoor plumbing situation or if I will get kidnapped or robbed, simply pray that I can let go. Because someday I may have to let go of life over there and come back here, and because of my tick-like nature that will be just as hard. This is the beginning of a journey for me of learning what it really means to hold "earth-things" loosely in my fingers and believe that what I have and where I am is exactly where God wants me to be.